He's Mighty Sure of Most Things

Most days the sun don't rise too high in the sky. From what I've seen, it ain't scared to come up any higher, it just knows it don't make not difference to the good people of Soshane, AU. Shoshane wasn't really made for sun. Wasn't really made for people either, but that's what sprung up there: people. It's not a hospitable kind of place. The sun kills everything around with its dry, hot kiss, and it's amazing just thinkin' that, how closely the two words kiss and kill seem to each other. They seem almost like they belong back to back, in the same sentence.

Well, anyway, that's just what the sun does. Those land whales? They do the rest. You ever seen a land whale? I don't suspect so. You look a little too white to be from anywhere that's not covered with a 3 foot wall of brick between you and the natural environment. Yes, the land whales. They'll sneak up on you, too, the suckers! They're quite as heck. Quieter than a turd glidin' in the ocean. How do they do it? I dunno. They just do it, and they git right behind you, and they suck you clean up into their nostrils and shoot you back down into their throat. And that's just how the party starts.

How do I know all this? I've been up my fair share of land whale nostrils. It's not pretty. But I've always survived because I'm constantly protected by what's hangin' here at my waist. No, not that thing. Probably could kill it with that too, but check this out. See? Pure, fine, razor sharp steel. It could cut through a thousand layers of whale bone, skin and cartilage without ever needing sharpened. Least that's what the maker of it said. I intend to find out if it's true. I been down in the belly of at least twenty of them long suckers.

So they're real quiet, get it? They kinda hover off the ground through some terrible, strange trick of gravity. So they don't slither on nothin' but air. Suck you up, shore as the day is dry, and into the belly you go. If you don't get suffocated in the esophagus first, that is. Those whales love to just snatch one of us tiny folks right up, and lodge us in their throat. Play with us for a while. It don't matter to them, none, cause they breath from any number of other holes. So they bat at us with finely tuned muscles in their throats. Try to layer us with mucous, and hope we get tired and give up. But not me. I got that blade, remember?

So I thrust it right up into their esophagus, and just glide my easy way down into their stomach. The blood's rushin' in fast, so I gotta get out of there before both stomach acid and blood kill my luck. I usually puncture the stomach closest to the bottom of the belly. To where their chest ends and their belly begins. That's closest to the ground, and best to use for quick escapes. You always get out of there quickly. Never know what's gonna happen. I made the mistake of takin' my time, causin' high levels of damage on my way out, but that's no good. They either swallow someone else who'll kill you for your knife, or suck a bunch of sand in, bury you alive.

So just get outta there. Stay outta there if you're smart. Live on the edge if you're not.

Don't get me started on them turtles...