The Aural Adventures of Sir Edgemond Almond

Overriding anger and lust ripped through the loins of Sir Edgemond Almond. He had never known this sort of rage. He had desired this for so long. And now he is sure to be deprived of it. On the bed in front of him, what he loved so dearly from afar, was now dead. He tapped her noggin just to be sure. Hmmm. He had not imagined her noggin would sound like that upon tapping. What a spacious, resonant sound it produced. He tapped again. Could it be even more resonant than the first time? She is quite dead, but wow, that is a sparkling percussive sound, he thought.

Again he began to mourn. Oh, he sobbed for the times he'd dreamed they'd have, but never would now realize. Hope was abandoned. He was shaken to the core, and a bitterness took hold. Sir Edgemond Almond's knees buckled, and his left hand fell uncontrollably upon her right breast, which in turn emitted a springy, playful, splashing sound. Edgemond recoiled in horror. He wondered at the sound. What was that again? He re imagined it in his mind, but felt there was something missing. What was that extra aural texture? I can't, he thought. He braced his hands behind his back. I shouldn't, he mumbled. Ohhh, that sound.

"I MUST!" he shouted, and gave her right breast a powerful slap. There it was! More springy and more playful than before. It sounded as if he had just jumped off the edge of a cliff and did a perfect, stinging bellyflop into the water below. He almost felt the sting, as he remembered trying that maneuver quite painfully before.

"I wonder," said Edgemond as he gazed at her nose. He reached over. Hovered for a moment, and the flicked it. The clearest, most brazen trumpet fanfare issued from her ears. Edgemond was entranced. All his life he desired to be a musician. Father said absolutely not and ordered him finance classes at the King's Castle Night School. His mother was helpless when he asked her for direction.

Back from his daydream, music suddenly edged its way into his consciousness. Glorious, rhythmic, resonant music! His hands began to twitch. His arms became wobbly. His neck was bent towards his dead love. His eyes bulged. His legs bent. They gave way. Instead of dropping to the floor, his reflexes kicked in a reversed the fall. Legs solidified and pushed with a mighty exertion. Arms shot into the air. His body left the ground. Soaring high, he saw what was about to occur.

SLAM! WIZZOOT! BLAROOOOMM! TING TING! He landed on the dead woman. A symphonic blare resulted from the collision. Edgemond was now in hysterics. Control of his limbs could not be seized. Flailing, flailing, he attacked the poor corpse and the most contrasting, complex and strangely beautiful music followed. An entire orchestra could do no better than Edgemond did for a few short minutes.

The servants who opened the door and saw the phenomenal occurrence were entranced by the music but somehow found a way to remove Edgemond and place him in the castle's prison. He faced execution for the murder of the princess, and he could not convince them otherwise.

On the way to his head slicing appointment, Edgemond fondly replayed that glorious tune his love had produced. Halfway through its remembrance, it again seized control of his physical contractions, and his arms broke free from his shackles, and he slapped all those around him so silly that they could not react, nor stop him from bounding away. He skipped off. Away from the axe, away from the crowd, away from his demise.

I've heard tell that in a certain woodland, if you play a resonant drum just right, as the princess' right breast had been accidentally played, you can incite the outburst of Sir Edgemond Almond. He will grace you with such a majestic aural experience, that you are not likely to survive it, unless you have climbed a particularly sturdy tree. Please remember to do this if you try.